Combatting Adult Loneliness
It's Real & You're Not Alone
Two weeks ago, I deleted IG off my phone to give myself more time to focus. And while I haven’t been tempted to re-download it, I have filled a few of my spare moments over the long weekend with TikTok, which I almost never log into. Seriously, I can go months…
But in the times that I did log in, I noticed a disheartening theme. Both older teens and adults were making videos about not having any friends or spending time alone because they never get invited anywhere.
It came in a multitude of forms. In recent weeks, many high school and college students have graduated just to have no one to sit with prior to walking the stage, or to have no one ask to take a picture with them to commemorate the moment. Even planning and spending a pretty penny on a graduation party just to have no one but family show up.
Additionally, over Memorial Day weekend, many people vocalized finding themselves home alone, with nowhere to go and no one to see, while they watched peers on their social media feeds have barbecues and spend the weekend out on their boats with a dozen other people.
I even recall one post in particular where a girl in her twenties discussed being sad about summer coming up as she knew hers would be filled with a whole lot of nothing since she had no one to spend it with.
The truth is, I’ve heard this from adults for years, and due to factors like a semi-recent pandemic, the rise in work-from-home culture, social media, and the current high cost of living, the level of anti-social is only getting worse.
You don’t know how often I see posts from people of all ages crying saying that no one showed up to their: birthday party, super bowl party, grand opening, book signing…and often without a courtesy call even after RSVP-ing.
My good friend and favorite poet Chris Wood made a good point recently that I’ve never been able to put into words myself:
“Most people are more selfish than they realize.”
I’m not sure if the world’s always been this way, but I confidently speak for all millennials and younger when I say, no truer words have ever been spoken.
So, if you’re one of the people going through this right now, the first thing you need to know is that it’s not you. The world is a much different place than it was even fifteen years ago, and way too many are feeling this for the cause to be pinpointed to a specific image, personality type, or character flaw.
I too find myself lonely at times, because most of my friends are in different parts of the country. I have two of my closest in Texas, a few of my closest in Chicago, one of my closest in Minnesota, and living in a place like LA, how often you see friends is very dependent on how close you live to one another. Full disclosure, a good part of my social fill comes from phone calls. Over the weekend, I had three 2 1/2 hour+ phone calls with a few of my out-of-state friends.
That being said, there are 3 things I’ve done since middle school that’ve given me great life experience and some of my favorite memories. Ones that I know I never would have had, had I not explored uncharted territories.
Whether you’re a full-fledged adult or just nearing adulthood, committing to these three things will transform your life. And sooner than you think…
1. Enroll in Recurring “Extra-Curricular” Activities
This can be anything, as long as it involves being on a team or group interaction and takes place over a span of at least a few months. Adult ballet, a softball or kickball league, a book club, acting classes, a swim team, flow arts. I even know people who are part of a weekly trivia league that takes place at their local bar.
Joining an activity or club is the perfect way to meet people who share your interests and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you form a bond with people after just a few weeks. When you’re doing things like learning dance choreography together or working as a team to win a tournament, walls have a way of coming down. You’ll have vulnerable moments in front of one another, you’ll laugh together, you’ll celebrate each other’s wins, you’ll give each other tips, you’ll share frustrations. It’s also really cool getting to be a version of yourself that nobody knows, that’s different than you are in a professional setting.
In middle school, I was nothing like my peers. While I had a solid group of friends and several hobbies, my interests just weren’t the same as those at the small school I attended. My classmates liked sports and just hanging out, while I was obsessed with the music and entertainment industries and always wanted to perform on stage. I knew more about the hottest Top 40 songs and upcoming movies than any entertainment journalist ever would, and it was the only thing I wanted to talk about. I would race home to watch TRL every day, loved MTV’s reality shows about up-and-coming bands, and when I wasn’t doing homework, I was researching all I could about my favorite actors and singers.
Once a month, when we would play News Bowl, a trivia game for teens based on current events, everyone wanted me on their team, because they knew I would know the answer to every Arts and Entertainment question without having to think. Even my teachers were impressed with how much I knew and would tell my parents, “Of course Karissa is our strongest News Bowl player when it comes to the Arts and Entertainment category”, to which they would reply, “Yeah, that’s her life”.
So instead of faking my interest in things or trying to be someone I wasn’t, I started acting and modeling. Every week I would attend a four-hour acting class where I learned different methods of acting, industry terms, improv, how to slate, memorizing lines, and everything in between. In modeling I learned how to walk a runway, do makeup like a professional, pose for photos, take professional modeling pictures, how and where to place your hands, etc.
I was in class with all teens ages 12-18, and everything was recorded and done in front of the entire group. As nervous as I was at first, we collaborated a ton on different in-studio projects, all had days where we forgot our lines, and we were all very caught off-guard the day we were told we had to sing at the end of the runway. (For that, we made our instructor, Heather, do it too. We had her sing “Oops I Did it Again” and she turned out to be a pretty decent singer.) We got to walk in fashion shows and audition with real casting directors, and through the weeks turned months, we got really comfortable with one another
As it came towards the end of Acting I, we shared with our instructor, Ed, how sad we were that it would all be over soon and even though we were moving up into a new level, we wouldn’t all be in class together again. He explained that what we were experiencing was the same as it would be on a movie or tv set. “You become like a family”, I recall him saying.
Then, when summer came around, instead of attending a school summer program or staying home alone for three months, I asked to be enrolled in summer camp. It was there that I met people who were more like me.
I remember how fun it was discussing the latest pop-punk bands with Brandon, and how we both wanted to go to Warped Tour. And how I lit up inside when he came to me one day and said, “You need to get the latest issue of Rolling Stone. Are you a Nirvana fan?”.
Or, when Andrew put his arm around me in front of everyone and listening to him play Weezer’s Beverly Hills for me on his electric guitar over the phone.
And, bus rides to and from camp on the “Banana Bus” with Samantha, for three summers and agreeing to wear a full face of makeup on the last day of camp. And how totally supportive she was of my huge crush on Andrew who was her close friend from school.
I made some of my fondest teenage memories there and always felt so cool going back to school in the fall and telling my school friends about the hours spent face painting, kayaking, rock climbing, and making lanyard jewelry. And casually sliding in that I hooked up with Michael at our end of summer pool/trampoline party at our friend Margaret’s mansion.
I even showed them pictures and no lie, two of them asked for pictures of Andrew to hang up in their lockers. It was something like “F*ck, Karissa he IS HOT. Can I have a picture for my locker too?”.
The pic of Andrew that everyone wanted. Can’t blame them, he’s cute huh? ;)
Then, the following January, I ran into Brandon while on the yearly all-school snowboarding/ski trip and spent 3/4 of the time catching up with him. Of course, my friends had to join us too. By the end of it, the other girls in eighth grade were like, “Karissa, your life is so cool. Just…the people you meet…”.
And the truth is, it was…
Being involved in activities is something I’ve continued to do all throughout adulthood. Whether it was volunteering at the California Wildlife Center, signing up for a three-day women’s Modern Sacred Circle training, attending a weeklong retreat in Tulum, or going to a multi-day conference, doing so has given me the opportunity to meet so many incredible people and live a very full life.
Most of the time when I ask my peers what they do outside of work, they can’t come much. That’s no way to live. Let people experience you, have stories to tell.
One of my favorite quotes has always been:
“Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” -Robin Sharma
Even if you don’t become forever friends with the people you meet, you’ll have spent the time in good company and will carry the memories you make for a lifetime. For the nostalgia alone, it’s worth it.
2. Attend Events Alone
I know a lot of people struggle with going places alone. I’ve noticed that anytime I share my plans of going to an event, the first question I always get is, “Are you going with anyone or are you just going by yourself?”. While I can see why it’s daunting to attend events without a posse and agree that certain things are better when you have people to share the experience with, there’s also something so electrifying about walking into a place and getting to be whomever you want to be.
No one with pre-conceived notions, no one with a different agenda than yours, no one to distract you from being fully present, and no one to tell you that you’re acting different than your usual self. It can be of great benefit to go places alone because instead of sticking with the people you know, you’ll mingle with other attendees.
When you fly solo at an event with like-minded people, you can present yourself however you want when you strike up a conversation with the attractive guy, the host, or the superstar who just delivered a phenomenal performance.
You can gauge the mood and present yourself in the way you determine is ideal, and in turn, will naturally attract people with the same frequency as you.
I’ve gone to countless events alone: meet and greets, author book talks, beach clean ups, clothing swaps, sacred circles, cabaret shows, open mic nights, beach or poolside yoga, goat yoga, flea markets, art shows, Broadway plays, etc. And I go to New York alone on a yearly basis just for fun.
I also often go to events alone just to scope them out, and then the next time around I’ll bring a friend, which earns me a ton of gold stars. My whole life I’ve always heard things like, “How do you know about all these cool places?”. It’s because I don’t let being alone stop me from living life. When you’re by yourself and do things at your own pace, you’ll observe more of your surroundings and happen upon things you wouldn’t have noticed if you were lost in conversation with someone else.
I’ve met some of the best, most genuine people I know from going to events alone. We may not see each other often, but we know some of each other’s most intimate details and can trust each other with any personal information when one of us needs advice or a listening ear.
In fact, last summer I went on a Mediterranean cruise where I got to meet and spend time with my favorite fiction author who for that trip was my travel agent.
I started reading her books after her first release was gifted to me as a surprise by my friend, Brandy, whom I met at the Pays to Be Brave conference back in late 2018.
It was because of getting hooked on her books, that I developed an online friendship with her and was among the first people to find out when she became a travel agent. In 2022, she released her book Smart Girl Summer, and then planned a cruise based on places and experiences in the book. I can’t even begin to tell you how mind-blowing it was to get to live out the same experiences as the protagonist in one of my favorite novels and get to hang out with the author all in one trip. Not to mention it was the time of my life. I’m still fully convinced that Capri, Italy is the most beautiful place on earth and that There’s no place like [Rome]. (See what I did there?)
All because I attended a three-day conference alone.
3. Do Something You’ve Always Wanted/Master the Skills You’ve Always Wished You Had
No matter who you are, there are always going to be chapters of life that are more social than others. But just because chapters are different doesn’t mean they can’t be equally as good.
I think of it like eating frozen yogurt with a bunch of toppings. Not every bite will have the same amount of every topping, but every bite still tastes good.
When you’re going through a lonely period, one of the best things you can do for yourself is dedicate your free time to your passion projects. Or pick up a side gig and build your savings account/pay off debt. Or even better, work on a passion project that’ll bring in extra income. Even if it’s not the most exciting phase in your life, no one has ever complained about having extra cash.
Moreover, inside all of us is a version of ourselves that we’ve always dreamed of being, and in order to step into that vision, we have to master the things that make that version of us the ideal.
Have you always wanted to:
Get in the best shape of your life?
Start a podcast?
Write a book?
Become a gymnast?
Do you wish you could:
Play the piano?
Dance in heels?
Speak a second language?
Still ice skate as well as you did as a kid?
We’re conditioned to think that time spent in solitude is a bad thing, and while it feels a little melancholy, time alone used well can transform your life.
Circumstances can change in an instant, and you never know if/when you’ll have the free time you currently do again. Take advantage of it.
You’ll get a lot of personal satisfaction from seeing the progress you make over time, and you’ll finally feel that sense of fulfillment from doing something just for you.
Who knows, you may meet new people from these pursuits, and even if you don’t, you’ll still have stories to tell. As I always say: